LU + VON'S SUPERSECRET MEDIA EMPIRE!!
Okay. So today, Von and I were lying on my floor—well, I was lying on the floor dipping my goldfish in spicy peanut butter, and Von was on her little doggy bed staring at the goldfish like I wasn't even there, but in my head she was looking at me like I was doing something important—and I was thinking about how BORING everything is.
Like, everyone at school is boring now. And Dad won't let me have a phone until I'm like TWELVE which is basically never, so I can't even SEE the boring things everyone's looking at, which somehow makes me MORE bored about it? Does that make sense?
Your turn, Von.
Well, honey, I'd say you're experiencing what I call "FOMO by proxy." Fear of missing out on things you can't actually see.
RIGHT! So I was lying there thinking—wouldn't it be AMAZING if I could just... make my own thing? Like, my own media empire? Or something? Doesn't have to be too fancy. As long as it isn't boring.
And that's when Von said—
Lu, love, why do you want to start your own media empire?
And I said—BECAUSE MEDIA EMPIRES ARE COOL! And important! And definitely NOT BORING!
Von was quiet for a minute. Then she said—
So you want to start a media empire because your dad won't let you have a phone?
And I was like—UM, THAT'S A REALLY SMART WAY TO SAY IT! So yes! Exactly that!
Anyway. My media empire doesn't exist yet. It's essentially all on this old computer my dad lets me use because it's not connected to all the weirdos out there. But my media empire COULD exist outside this old computer. Someday. Maybe summer?
Also I'd get to be the BOSS of it, which, well, obviously.
Um, Von, you want to say something wise here?
I think what Luna means is that she's starting to understand the difference between consuming culture and creating it.
Ummm, sure, Von. Whatever you say. You're behind my legs again aren't you?
Anyway. That's the idea. No promises. Probably won't happen. But... wouldn't it be cool?
-Luna
P.S. Von says I should note that this idea came to me while I was supposed to be doing math homework. Von is very concerned about my priorities. I told her that my media empire is basically math because of the large numbers of people who would have to do what I say!
So I couldn't sleep after I posted that, obviously, so I just laid there thinking about what my media empire would even LOOK like if I made one. Like, what would it HAVE in it?
Because it can't just be me talking about stuff. That's not a media empire. At least I don't think that's a media empire. That's like... a diary that you throw at people's faces.
Von? What goes in a media empire?
Well, honey, that depends. What kind of content are you imagining?
Content? Um... oh! Really fun stories about interesting people? Like, people who do weird things that are cool?
Interesting how, Lu? Give me an example.
Okay so like—Mx. Dahlia Belle. She's my friend who plays weird synthesizers and tells jokes. And she's just... HERSELF, you know? Like, she doesn't care WHAT people think! She just DOES it. And that's amazing.
That sounds like someone you admire.
RIGHT! And like, if I could just... show that? Then maybe my friends wouldn't feel like they have to be so much like each other?
But Lu, love, do you think Mx. Dahlia Belle WANTS to be in your media empire?
Um... well that's what Andrew Stout is for?
Who's Andrew Stout again, love?
Andrew Stout is my BEST FRIEND!
A-hem!
My OTHER BEST FRIEND! Like you, he knows some things. And he can help me do my media empire! I've got this whole team of people like this—different people for different jobs—but Andrew Stout is the one for this one.
What things does Andrew Stout know how to do?
Oh! Um... well. Okay so like, in my mermaid traffic cop phase? I was writing all these citations for ocean traffic violations, but I kept making my Rs look like backwards Ds. And Andrew Stout just... wrote all the Rs for me. Like, he'd sit there and fill in my backwards Rs and make them correct.
And did that help?
DUH. Otherwise my ocean citations were unenforceable!
Then what about your werewolf detective phase, love?
Oh! Well, that's when I was tracking down werewolves—or "fuzzies", as we call them on the beat. And I kept wanting to document them, but I didn't have a phone and honestly I'm not great at taking pictures anyway. So Andrew Stout took all the pictures. He has this thing where everything is sharp and close. Which was perfect for identifying specific werewolf characteristics.
And the rizzard documentary?
OH! So I found this lizard, right? And it had LOTS of rizz. Like, excessive amounts of personality for something that wasn't a person. So I made a nature documentary about him. But here's the thing—I think my voice sounds funny on tape. Like, not funny. Just... weird. I'm SOOO glad my real voice doesn't actually sound like it does on tape! PUKE!. Anyway, Andrew Stout narrated the whole thing. He did this whole podcaster voice and everything. Sounded like he was chewing his words as carefully as Dad told me to chew restaurant meat.
Hmm. So in your mermaid phase, Andrew Stout wrote your Rs.
Right.
In your werewolf phase, Andrew Stout took your pictures.
Yup!
And in the rizzard phase, Andrew Stout narrated your documentary.
YEAH! He's really useful like that.
Lu, love, what do you think Andrew Stout would do for your media empire?
Um... well, he'd... oh. Oh no.
What is it, honey?
I think he'd have to talk to people. Like, actually talk to them. About their lives and what they do. And then write it down. Which is... the thing I absolutely cannot do.
Why not, love?
Because I'm shy, Von! I'm like, REALLY shy! Like, I can write things and think things and be excited about things in my head and with you and with Andrew Stout and the rest of my team. But when there's an actual PERSON there, I just... freeze!
And so you'll put Andrew Stout in charge of that part.
Yeah, but Andrew Stout isn't... I mean, he doesn't...
He isn't real, love.
Right. He's not real.
That's a very important realization, honey.
I know! It's terrible! It's like, my best idea ever needs me to actually TALK to real people. Thank heavens for imaginary people!
What would happen if you asked Andrew Stout for help?
Um... he'd probably say yes?
Why do you think that?
Because he's Andrew Stout. And that's what he DOES. He shows up. I get the idea and he's there. He just doesn't know he needs to show up for this yet.
Wait, actually he doesn't know anything because I literally just invented him AGAIN five seconds ago to solve THIS problem.
-Luna
Okay so Dad is always saying social media is bad because it's "designed to make you addicted" and "there's no real communication, just people acting out."
And I used to think he was being boring and old.
But THIS? The BBS? This is like... the OPPOSITE. This is what the internet was BEFORE it got fun enough for people to want to come back. It's just people. Typing.
But in a good way!
My dad LOVES that this is "retro." He thinks I'm "learning about computer history." He doesn't realize I'm secretly using it to plan my media empire and talk to my dog about really deep life philosophy stuff.
Okay, "talk to my dog" sounds weird out loud. Von IS my dog. But like, Von as I IMAGINE her. Calm, wise, able to cook for herself and me, too. Because the actual Von mostly just sleeps and hides behind my legs and waits for crumbs and avoids eye contact and pees in the wrong places.
But the REAL Von is my therapist/business partner/best friend who happens to be a dog.
Basically.
So like, anyway. The point is: This is an old computer, sure. But it's also a platform! This communication is real. Dad can't say it's "corrupting" me because literally no one would pay money to use this.
It's just... typing. And thinking. And planning.
It's a loophole.
And it's MINE. Just like my media empire!
Just like this picture of a centaur!
[O_O]
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-Luna
P.S. This is going to be a really long night and probably a really tired morning at school and I'm at peace with that.
I've been thinking about my media empire all day. And like, it's exciting and everything. But also... what if I can't actually make it?
Like, what if I get all excited about this idea and then I try to ask Andrew Stout and I'm just... too shy to actually say the words? Or I DO say the words and even Andrew Stout says no? Or nobody cares about what we make?
Von, this is where you stop staring at these goldfish I'm eating and tell me something wise.
I'm listening, love.
Like... how do I know if this is actually a good idea or if I'm just bored and making stuff up?
That's a good question. What does your gut tell you?
Um... my gut says less spicy peanut butter.
Listen harder.
Oh yeah! This is the coolest idea I've had in like... a long time? Like, a little cooler than trying to be a ladybug whisperer. But way cooler than the mermaid traffic cop thing, which now seems a little baby-ish. In retrograde. This feels like something that's actually, um, what's the word?
Real?
Um, no. Not real.
Practical?
Um, I don't think so. Oh! I know!
What is it, honey?
Scalable! This feels like a business plan I can scale to a size so big that I can dominate the WORLD with it! I could be… OMNIPOTENT! HA! HA!
I don't think any of those words mean what you think they mean, love. Besides, how do you think you're going to dominate the world?
With stories! Really cool stories about the COOLEST people!
And where will these stories live?
Um…
Won't they be confined to this old computer?
Well, of course not, Von. Ummm…
You don't know where you're going to publish, do you?
Of course I know where I'm going to publish, Von! I just haven't put it to a vote with my board of directors yet, that's all.
Uh-hu. I bet.
Okay fine. So the stories will live… I know! On paper!
That's a start.
I don't have a phone. But I have LOTS of paper! I mean most of it already has my drawings of centaurs on it. But I can use the other side.
So you want to make a magazine?
OOOOH! That sounds COOOOL! A maaagaaaziiine!
A magazine about your imaginary friends?
EXACTLY! Okay I'm getting excited about this. I'm going back to bed before Dad notices I've been up all night talking to my dog about—what did you call it—
A magazine. Sleep well, love. For once. And Luna?
Yeah?
I think you might actually have something here.
REALLY?!
Don't let that go to your head.
Already not going back to bed.
Von?
Yes, love?
What's a magazine?
-Luna
END